It occurred to me the other day that a pattern was emerging. Every single man I’ve ever met, dated, stalked, and sent to therapy seemed to harbor certain habits and/or belongings. It was uncanny – like my impression of Britney Spears ordering a burrito from Chipotle.
1. Empty pizza boxes
I once dated a man who had 4 empty pizza boxes shoved behind the TV in his bedroom.
Why do those go there? And also, ants? No one cares about ants?
Side note: I have a thing about ants. I accidentally ate a spoonful of ants once because I thought they were burnt pieces of cereal. They were not. They were ants.
2. A singular magazine
And it will always be open, the pages will be wilted, and it’ll rest on a sticky coffee table. Also, it will be open to page 17.
3. A crusty sock
Why that sock is crusty is none of my business. But it exists, and it is right next to the laundry basket.
Not in it. Not hanging off the side of it.
Next to it.
4. Mismatched plates
I have never seen a single man with matching plates.
I have dated a man who had red solo cups in his cabinets as if they were some kind of fine crystal his grandmother had smuggled out of her war-torn country.
Side note: That solo cup guy died, so RIP dude. I once used your cups to see what I would look like with large breasts.
5. An empty toilet paper roll
And that’s not the worst part of it. The worst part is that every single time you go in that bathroom when you have something bad going on in that gut of yours, that fucking roll is empty.
I heard about this one woman who scooped up a turd and put it in her purse on a first date because the guy’s toilet was broken.
“And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on…”
6. A scratchy towel
Of the four towels he does own, this is the least scratchy. Only a thin layer of my skin was removed.
I like to think of it as an economic facial peel.
7. A lighter with only 2 good flicks left
Cockroaches and that lighter will be the only thing left after the apocalypse.
8. A lumpy pillow
All the feathers have long since been pushed out by his melon head, so the only thing supporting him is layers of sweat, hair strands, and dead skin.
9. Zero candles
Not a single one. Your best bet is the Febreeze can rolling around his backseat.
10. A million god damn t-shirts
But you only see him wear the same 4 over and over again. And when you ask if maybe he could get rid of a few that he doesn’t wear, his response is that of a satanic demon.
I dated a guy that had – and it’s imperative that you understand I’m not exaggerating – SEVENTY-FIVE TSHIRTS.
And his excuse for keeping them was that he was going to turn them into a t-shirt blanket.
False. Buy a regular blanket.
So there you have it. My top 10. Special thanks to men everywhere for being, men.
Have another you’d add to the list? Unburden yourself my friends.